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We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Some cause happiness wherever they go.
Others whenever they go. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. When in doubt, mumble. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
I used to be indecisive.One Liner Jokes - Stand Up Comedy by Ashish Dash
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. I sit and look at it for hours. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
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A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I enjoy every minute of it. Children seldom misquote you. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer…oh wait, he does. You have a perception problem. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste. Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button. We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
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Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust. The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them. Women should not have children after Really… 35 children are enough. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential. Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
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It matters not whether you win or lose: Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. The original point and click interface.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
What if there were no hypothetical questions? For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth. Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning. The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. There are two kinds of friends: A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push. What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
No one is listening until you fart. Only dead fish go with the flow. Do stupid things faster with more energy!
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A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. I can talk and piss you off at the same time. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable. You get it from your kids. Everything is edible, some things are only edible once. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. There are no winners in life…only survivors. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. We are all part of the ultimate statistic — ten out of ten die. Fear of long words.
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
My drinking team has a bowling problem. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness. Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you. The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
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